Alternatives to Smacking

I was reading a thread on Mumsnet about this and was surprised to read that a lot of the posters advised giving a child a smack for (admittedly very) bad behaviour.

Surprised, as I had thought that most people nowadays would be ashamed of smacking, if they do so at all.

Now, I am not a holier-than-thou parent who has never raised a hand to her children - I would like to say I am because it fits my parenting philosophy - but sadly sometimes my temper has got the better of me and I have smacked my children.

I am not proud of it, in fact I am quite ashamed.

It has never been premeditated, and I apologised to my children afterwards.

I can understand those who say, "I smacked him because he ran out on to the road", or "He was reaching for the hot plate, so I smacked his hand" - these are acts of panic or fear, often not a conscious decision.

What I cannot understand is smacking a child for bad behaviour. For me that means the parent has lost control of the situation and does not know a better way of disciplining the child.

We want our children to learn to control their temper, not to lash out when tired or upset, but to take a deep breath and tell us what is wrong. If we cannot do that ourselves, what hope do we have that our children will learn from us?

Even worse is the situation where the child strikes another person or child and is smacked as a punishment. What does that teach our child - that violence is wrong, except when Mummy is dishing it out?

Of course it is sometimes difficult to know the best way to discipline a child, and each child is different so you have to change your methods slightly.

What works in our house:

When child has a "meltdown"
Walk away. Do not react. Ignore. Do not try to reason with him or distract him. He will calm down and then he will be contrite and apologise. Then we can talk about what caused the meltdown and what consequences there will be.


When children don't do what they are told
If possible distract before the situation escalates. This is great for toddlers - we are not talking about ignoring the bad behaviour but about spotting the signs and heading it off at the pass. This can be making a joke, tickling or suggesting a something completely different. "I bet I can get my shoes on before you", is a lot more fun than pinning a struggling toddler down and forcing unwilling feet into shoes.

Don't back yourself into a corner. Nothing worse than threatening, "If you don't stop that, we are going home", then having to leave the park early and go home because you have to follow through.

Use positive not negative terminology - "Once we are ready to go, we will go to the park" is better than, "If you don't get ready to go, we won't go to the park".

Try never to use, "You are always doing..." or "What have you done this time?"
Some years ago, our Kindergarten offered a parenting course and the leader asked if we had ever made a mistake at work, and how we would feel if we had confessed this mistake to our boss to hear the reply, "Oh, you are always doing stuff like that, I am so fed up of it, all the time, the same stupid mistakes...". It would make you feel like shit, wouldn't it? And the same applies for your children.

Don't talk too much. My husband commented once that I had used the sentence, "Get your shoes on" about thirtytrilliontimes that morning, shouted down from bathroom as I was putting on make-up, shouted from the kitchen as I drank tea, shouted from the hall as I put my coat on. Grab hold of the child, look them in the eye and tell them to get their shoes on. The more we chat, the less they listen. And they get immune to shouting. This one is definitely a work in progress as I am too shouty.

Naughty Step can be a useful tool to defuse the situation. We don't call it the Naughty Step, but "go and sit on the stairs until you have calmed down". We rarely use it now, as the children are older.


Violent behaviour
Thankfully we haven't had to cope with this much - aside from son throwing things in a temper. (Wonder where he got that from?) When he does do this, we continue as above  - ignore till calm then discuss consequences.


Consequences 
Is the most important part of discipline, in my opinion. If you threaten something then you have to carry it through, and you can only back down on very rare occasions - and only when you admit that you made a mistake and that you were being unreasonable.

Consequences should be appropriate, and directly related to the bad behaviour. When son threw the iPad (thankfully on the couch) in a fit of temper last week, he was forbidden from using the iPad the next day. When he used to draw on the walls, I would make him help me clean the walls. Don't delay consequences, such as telling them that they will not be allowed to go to the park at the weekend, it has to be immediate.

Sit down and talk about the behaviour (once you have all calmed down). Talk about how disappointed you were and how angry. Ask for their side of the story, shut up now and listen to them for a moment. Decide together on the punishment. And carry it through. When you are done, give them a hug and tell them you love them. And then leave it. Do not keep going back and going on about it.

My daughter will be 9 years old this month, and my son is 6 years. These are the methods of discipline that have worked for us in the past. What about in your house? Do you have any tricks?