"A flawless appearance can bring inner peace and a sense of security"
All over Switzerland bank workers are thanking their lucky stars today if they are not employees of UBS.
They know that UBS workers are being mocked all over Switzerland, indeed all over Europe. Worldwide mockery is only a matter of time, in these days of internet news.
They only have themselves to blame. Or rather, the writers of the Dress Code Manual that is being tested in five Swiss branches.
Taking micro-management to an all new level, the manual includes tips not just on how to wear your blouse, which "must neither be tight on the bosom, not gape open" but also the underwear to be worn beneath it - unobtrusive skin coloured bras are recommended. I was a bit concerned about the advice on undies, "Your figure should not suffer from the way you wear your underwear", which could be a warning about avoiding double boob-age, I guess.
Women may wear seven items of jewellery, compared to mens' three items - a watch is de rigeur "he who wears a watch conveys trustworthiness and great concern for punctuality" but should not compromise personal safety.
While we may laugh at these strictures, there is something slightly creepy about a company that advises it's employees when to button jackets (when standing and travelling, but not when sitting) and gives recommendations on the correct fit of the said jacket - choosing a jacket with too wide shoulders gives the impression that one's head is too small, and the jacket should completely cover the posterior.
Some of the advice is similar to that given in many offices and shops - too gaudy spectacles or wearing sunglasses on top of the head do not project a professional image but when we go into details such as the jewellery should match the metallic colour of the glasses frames, then the authors of the dress code bible go too far.
Saying that, I do admit to nodding in agreement at this part of the guide: "Tattoos, piercings or anklets are outdated and do not look professional".
Even the application of scent is advised upon - not too much and ideally applied after a hot shower, when the pores are open. This part of the guide reads more like a Cosmo article, "your skin should not be too dry. Therefore, you should always first apply bodylotion to your skin. It is important that this lotion is fragrance free or smells neutral, because even if it is pleasant, when mixed with the perfume it could clash and be too harsh".
The advice on avoiding dishes made with garlic and onions during the week sounds like dating advice, but is from the section Personal Hygiene - dealing with unfortunate body odours.
My husband would be good at the shoe advice section - always use a shoe horn, have the shoes heeled regularly, completely unlace shoes after use and allow the shoes to rest for at least one day to let the leather dry out. They missed, "Line up all your shoes once a week and polish them - you can ask your children to help you with this task".
He would also score top marks in the tie wearing advice column as he always unties his tie and lets it "rest" for a day. Any man who does not already follow this piece of advice, should not be allowed to dress himself alone: "The tip of the tie should under no circumstances enter your pants".
Employees of the bank are also told, "Do not wash, nor ever iron your shirts yourself", which is either a welcome boost for the dry cleaning industry of Switzerland or the suggestion to palm this off onto a wife or mother. Knowing Switzerland, the latter is more likely.
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